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Or Lack Thereof February 7, 2013

Posted by laosita in diabetes.
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At first my mind filled with blank thoughts. Nothing beyond a variety of less-than-pleasant emotions. Then specific. Then spiraling. Like a vortex of things, people, relationships, connections, support, all spinning around in an untouchable cloud above my head, all connected. Grasping to gain a hold on anything, only to realize yet again that it’s all just out of reach. With each reason for why I couldn’t reach out to just one part of this vortex came more loss. When one thing that I could succeed at or count on goes away, a domino spiraling affect can immediately put everything else just outside my reach and at the same time leaves me feeling like I need everything I lost.

But control, or lack thereof, needs perspective. When an inexplicable high shows up, or a completely avoidable low that I expected and didn’t do shit about, I often throw away the rest of the day. Set a 100% temp basal with random boluses, eat high carb crap and let the day go by. Sometimes that works perfect and it’s just what I need. But rarely. More commonly I feel gross, dehydrated and no less frustrated at the day’s end.

The irregular bounce of 70 to 327 after exercising does not mean the last few months of work on swings and control to help prevent further neuropathy is worthless. It does not mean that workout was worthless. It means to bolus, drink water, chill out and keep an eye on it next time.

Letting someone into my life that ends as an ongoing clusterfuck shit show does not mean that part of my life was wasted or that all people are no good. I haven’t figured out what that means yet.

The huge bedtime snack because I was hungry that resulted in a 2 am HIGH (even though I was in range at the midnight check) does not mean to eat all the things or eat none of the things. It means think twice or act more responsibly.

Get back the perspective and get it figured out. If figuring out that nothing works is what you learn, so be it. Sometimes there’s a meal, a dessert, a restaurant, that we know ends in a #diafail. But for those moments, you know that the unexpected is what to expect.

And that’s okay. That does not mean that all efforts, past or future, are meaningless.